The Birth of Maternal Moon
Throughout my entire life, all I wanted was to be a mom. I always had an affinity for babies. My sister, my only sibling, was adopted when I was six; I loved feeding her a bottle. I started babysitting when I was ten. I was a nanny during my college years at Michigan State, caring for a three year-old and her newborn brother. I couldn’t wait to have babies of my own someday.
I got married in July 1995 and before our one-year wedding anniversary, was pregnant with our first child. I was so excited! I couldn’t wait for our baby to arrive. My husband and I had known each other for many years; we were high school sweethearts. He was super excited too. Shortly before our baby was born, my husband was diagnosed with Epstein Barr, a virus that causes extreme fatigue.
My due date was February 15th. On January 30th, 1997 at 2:42 pm, I gave birth to a healthy baby boy, but not without some unforeseen events earlier in the day. I hadn’t experienced any complications during the pregnancy, but ended up having placenta abruption. I had read every baby book while pregnant, but had never heard of this before. It’s basically when the placenta splits away from the inner walls of the uterus, depriving baby of oxygen and nutrients. I had an emergency c-section. Another 30 seconds, and our baby Matthew wouldn’t have made it. The nurses in and out of my room informed me there was also a strong chance I wouldn’t have, either.
A few days later when we arrived home from the hospital, I felt so sad and alone. I was definitely suffering from postpartum. My mind kept thinking about the fact that we were seconds away from losing our baby. My husband was still suffering from Epstein Barr. On good days, he slept in another room. Some nights he went to his parent’s house to sleep there. Those were the really lonely days - and nights too. Matthew would cry from 10 pm to 2 am every night. It was just me, alone with our crying newborn, feeling like a failure because I couldn’t calm my baby down during those four hours, no matter what I did. I felt so lost, alone, and depressed. I thought motherhood would be easier than this! This was hard. I kept that to myself though. After all, I was a nanny during my college years; I told friends and family how excited I was to become a mother. If I say being a mom is hard, I’ll either sound like I don’t know what I’m doing, or I’ll sound like a bad mom. Or, perhaps people will assume I don’t enjoy being a mom. This may in fact be the worst assumption of all.
My good friend Kelly had a baby nine months prior, and was the only friend of mine who was also a mama. This was also another reason I felt so alone; most of our friends weren’t parents yet. They couldn’t understand or imagine what I was going through. My mom worked full time; the only time she could come and help was during the weekends, when I usually had my husband around to help. My mother-in-law was usually available, but we didn’t get along very well. I did take her up on her offer to help overnight once, when Matthew was sick and I had been up for over 24 hours. I barely slept that night.
Kelly has known me since the seventh grade. She knows me all too well, and could sense my emotions. It hadn’t been too long since she had become a mama herself, so those early days were still very fresh in her mind. She said to me, “You know, being a mom is hard. And it’s okay to say that. It’s okay to feel that. And it doesn’t make you a bad mom.” I began to cry. Finally! Someone who understands, who knows me, letting me know it’s okay. She hugged me; we had a good talk. I told her everything I’d been feeling, how difficult it had been, as opposed to what I expected motherhood to be.
This is why I created Maternal Moon. My love for babies. My passion for helping parents - especially first-time parents. To empower them, to teach them, to let them know there IS a light at the end of the tunnel. To let them know, it’s okay to say that being a parent is hard. It IS hard! But I’m there to listen, to support, to make things easier in any way I can - and to love and nurture their baby, as long as they need me.
